


I Want to Marry “Number Five”

by fiveyaaas



Series: In Another Life [19]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reality Show, Angst, Crack Treated Seriously, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, F/M, Jealousy, Masturbation, Morally Ambiguous Character, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pseudo-Incest, Reality TV, Voyeurism, and there are so many stupid reality tv fics that i want to write, at all times i’m keeping myself from writing them, but that’s just julia and i’s relationship, keep in mind that i wrote this because i really love watching stupid reality tv, this fic is brought to you by the TRASHIEST reality tv show i have ever watched, this is the dumbest possible way for the handler to incentivize five, well that and julia enabling me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-19 11:34:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29749899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiveyaaas/pseuds/fiveyaaas
Summary: Five imagined this moment for the past four and a half decades— seeing Vanya again. He thought of how it would happen as a means to fall asleep, a sort of bedtime story. Some nights he imagined running to her, scooping her up in his arms and promising her over and over and over that he’d never leave her again. Other nights, he imagined that he would tell her that he was going to save the world but that he’d hope that she’d remain by his side while he did.By no means at all did he think that the first time he’d see his sister again would be on a fuckingreality TV series.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Series: In Another Life [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1868005
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	I Want to Marry “Number Five”

**Author's Note:**

  * For [JjdoggieS](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JjdoggieS/gifts).



> This is for Julia, who is responsible for me writing this and who I love dearly for doing so. 
> 
> Please understand that this fic has quite a few issues with moral gray areas. I will add tags for all potentially triggering things as the chapters go on, but this fic, while still very much a crack fic, is not the lightest. That being said, if there are any tags you’d like me to add as far as potential triggers go, please let me know!

Five imagined this moment for the past four and a half decades— seeing Vanya again. He thought of how it would happen as a means to fall asleep, a sort of bedtime story. Some nights he imagined running to her, scooping her up in his arms and promising her over and over and over that he’d never leave her again. Other nights, he imagined that he would tell her that he was going to save the world but that he’d hope that she’d remain by his side while he did. 

By no means at all did he think that the first time he’d see his sister on a fucking  _ reality TV series.  _

Shamefully, the first thing he did upon seeing her again was shove his hand into his boxers. 

In his defense, he was watching from a screen in the Commission HQ, having been promised if he did something petty (and undoubtedly not sanctioned by the Commission itself) for the Handler that he would see his dear, sweet Vanya. Based on the precise amount of time he would be allowed to see her again, he assumed that the Handler was certain what he would be doing  _ during _ that time. While he could easily spend the time he watched this video contemplating the morality in immediately masturbating upon seeing his little sister again, he just ignored the persistent, nagging voice of… Luther, probably. (He always  _ was  _ so finicky about morals.) 

Because, really, what would people expect of him? Vanya wasn’t his sister, not really. They’d never been adopted by their cult leader, and, even if they had, one couldn’t really call a man offering fat stacks of cash to vulnerable teenage women burdened with entirely unexpected pregnancies _adoption._ She was family in a way that he didn’t imagine anybody outside of their family would understand. 

Plus, it wasn’t like she could  _ see _ him. He liked to think that he wouldn’t just shove his hands down his pants if she was  _ actually  _ in front of him.   


_Ideally,_ she’d be shoving  _ her  _ hand down his pants. 

A small voice reminded him that the Handler likely had a camera on him, one that sounded eerily similar to the woman, who appeared seconds away from giving a confessional, and Five grimaced. He turned his head in the direction he imagined the camera would most likely be, offering the most horrifying and eerie grin he could muster and flicking his gaze back to his Vanya. If the Handler thought she could possibly make him uncomfortable, she clearly didn’t understand that he’d been watched for as long as he could remember, that the only even remotely private portions of his childhood had been sneaking his best friend into small closets around the house, holding her hand and promising her, ‘We’re alone now. He can’t see it if you cry, this time.’ 

She’d always feared genuinely crying in front of people. Clearly, if she was joining a genre of television devoted to (dubiously genuine) crying in front of people, she’d gotten over that. 

“I don’t think that… He doesn’t feel like I’d imagine him to be.” 

Five realized as she spoke  _ what  _ she was wearing, and confusion filled him. While, yes, she wasn’t exactly wearing her Academy uniform, the idea was pretty clear. He had always assumed that, the second she had the chance, she would stop wearing anything even close to their uniforms. She’d always complained about how itchy they were, how she sometimes felt so exposed and wished that she could wear Five’s shorts instead. (He’d actually given her a few pairs of shorts, knowing that she’d never actually get much chance to wear them but hoping that it would give her  _ some  _ comfort while he planned out ways for them to escape from that place.)

And, then, as he took in the uniform, her words sunk in. 

“Still, I definitely think that this man  _ could  _ be Five.”

His breathing and his hand stopped completely. 

What was she even  _ suggesting? _

“When I’d auditioned for this show, well… I  _ know  _ that this makes no sense, but I’d had this strange suspicion. That this was Five…” She glanced down, blood pooling to her cheeks and tingeing them pink. “I know other people are  _ certain, _ but I hold my suspicions. Plus, if it was, why wouldn’t he just  _ say  _ it?”

Five tilted towards the screen, and then it wasn’t guilt that he was feeling. With it gone, he could easily call the feeling he’d had before what it was. Now, though, it had evaporated. He didn’t feel that guilt any longer. 

Somebody was  _ impersonating _ him. Somebody was taking on his qualities and suggesting that he was them. Somebody was letting people out there think that somebody else could  _ possibly  _ him. 

And his sweet, dear Vanya  _ believed  _ them. 

His time ended, and the screen went black. Five’s breathing was heavy and his cheeks were red when she came in there, but he didn’t feel like he’d been caught with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar, not the way that the Handler obviously wanted him to feel, with the way she was staring at him. 

Five couldn’t feel ashamed at all. Not when rage was pulsing through him, the desire to kill the man that was using Vanya’s kind and naive heart to take advantage of her, using the impossibility of Five coming home to her to his advantage. Sure, he didn’t likely know what Seven had gone through with him, her book never having suggested the  _ precise  _ nature of what they had been (and her book not even having been published as of this point in time, based on the set and the fact that Vanya looked slightly younger than she had on the back cover of her book). However, he knew that he  _ wasn’t  _ Five Hargreeves, and his sister was going to suffer from it. 

When the Handler smirked at him, clearly proud of himself, he said, “What do I have to do to see her again?”

He didn’t have doubts about how he’d see her, but one day he’d actually see her again. One day, he’d have more than just ten minutes of looking at her, and he’d be able to hold her in his arms and assure her that he was  _ really  _ there, that he had no intentions of ever leaving. 

For now, he’d torment himself with the smallest sliver of his Vanya that he could receive, instead. 

**Author's Note:**

> I will update when I can, and thank you for reading!


End file.
